How is it that the answers to our prayers can be so different than what we thought?
My journey into motherhood looks nothing like I always thought it would. Losing a child, having a high-risk pregnancy with complications, having an unplanned c-section, having a premature baby who spends two and a half weeks in the NICU—not what I pictured. But, God answered my prayer of becoming a mother.
I remember telling Zach before Hannah was born that my greatest fear was that our children will not come to know God. Now, Hannah knows God more intimately than I can imagine. His face was the first face she saw when she opened her eyes. I had dreams of watching my first-born accept Jesus and get baptized. That wasn’t what God had planned, but He still answered my prayer.
After Hannah died, I didn’t think I would be able to experience that “We’re having a baby – it’s time to go the hospital” moment. Then, six weeks before Noah was supposed to be born, my water broke and we headed to the hospital. It was mixed with fear and uncertainty, but God provided that moment for me.
Honestly, there are a lot of moments where I wish my life was simpler and not so messy. And I struggle with thinking that my life would be better/easier if my prayers were answered differently. It’s hard to see why God’s way is better when His way hurts. I fall into the trap of thinking that I know what I need more than He does. I’m working on that.
It’s been a while since I posted, but I’ve been a little busy!
This little man decided to come into the world 6 weeks early!
The last 4 weeks have been so busy and filled with emotion. Soon, I’ll be writing Noah’s birth story and sharing about our experience in the NICU and life at home with a preemie…but for now, I’m soaking it all in (and trying to nap every chance I get!)
I will never have a pregnancy last as long as Hannah’s. I carried her for 41 weeks, and I know I won’t be carrying Noah – or any other baby – that far. So, unlike moms who have lost a baby earlier in their pregnancy, I don’t have a ‘week milestone’ to get past. But since I’m pregnant and due at the same time of year as I was with Hannah, I still feel like I have an important milestone to reach.
I found out that Hannah died on March 16th, her birthday is on March 17th, and her funeral was on March 21st. I feel like these are three big dates on the calendar that I have to get past in this pregnancy. Another important date is the day before my scheduled c-section. I have this fear of being just hours away from holding him and something happening.
The closer I get, the more anxious I feel. I think the stress of being pregnant with Noah and actively grieving Hannah at the same time is starting to get to me. Even though I feel like it will be some sort of victory to get past these dates and still be pregnant with a baby who is alive, I don’t know if I’ll feel any kind of relief. At this point, I don’t think I’ll feel that until I’m taking a baby home with me.
I’ve been pregnant for a really long time…and I’m not complaining because I know how much of a blessing it is to just be pregnant. Since June of 2011, I have been pregnant 19 of those 22 months. That’s a long time to be pregnant and still not have a baby at home.
I came across a video that was made to raise awareness of stillbirths. I can relate to every word those parents shared. I’ve been blessed to have such a great support system, and I’ve shared a bit about what it’s been like for me to go through losing a child, but there is still a lifetime’s worth that I haven’t said.
Here is a link to the article that accompanied the video.
Filed under Grief, Hannah
Hannah’s room is slowly changing. For almost the last year, it’s looked exactly the same. It was such a source of comfort for us after she died. I can’t tell you how many times I would go into her room and sit in the rocker and just cry. Even though we never got to bring her home, there was something special about being in her room with her things.
When we found out we were pregnant again, I knew at some point I was going to have to lose Hannah’s nursery to gain Noah’s. As much as it rips my heart into a million shreds, it’s time. Our plan all along was to reuse as much as we could – crib, dresser, rocker, car seat, stroller, even some of the clothes, so it feels natural to pass Hannah’s things down to Noah. I just always assumed that as we were putting together another nursery, we would also be turning her room into a ‘big girl’ room.
It’s been a slow process, and I’m nowhere near done. It’s taken me a few days just to take down the wall decals, the changing pad cover, and the sheets off her crib. I still have so much to go through, but it is so emotionally exhausting. In a way, I feel like I’m losing her all over again.
I’m hoping to be able to donate her entire bedding set to our local crisis pregnancy center. My prayer is that it will be used and loved by a woman who chose life for her child. I would love for this small piece of Hannah to live on in another baby’s life.