Thank you for the outpouring of love and support I received after writing yesterday’s post. It wasn’t easy to put it out there for everyone to read, but it was important for me to tell Hannah’s story. I don’t know why God has laid this need to share on my heart, but I hope that above all else, people see Him in this situation.
I know that this is part of God’s will for my life. He has been in control of this from the very beginning. And, I know there is a purpose for Hannah’s life. There is a reason that she was born, and a reason that she died. And, I don’t think I’ll be able to answer any of the questions I have until I get to heaven. Even though I would love nothing more than for God to accomplish His purpose using some other means, I want her life to make a difference for Him. There are some days where I am still so angry at God, that I don’t talk to Him. Those days are few and far between compared to where I was at when the shock and numbness wore off after Hannah’s death. There are also some days where I feel so connected to God and Heaven because she’s there. When I close my eyes, I imagine what she looks like now, what she’s doing, who she’s met, and the things she’s seen. It gives my heart peace to know that Hannah will never experience sadness, pain, heartbreak, illness, disappointment, or any of the other things that sin has brought upon the Earth. It makes me feel closer to Him because a small piece of me is already in heaven.
I think when you go through a significant loss, it changes you as a person. I’m not the same person I was a year ago – my thoughts, prayers, outlook on life, and relationships are all different. I am blessed to have an amazing support system. I’m surrounded by people who love me and are willing to talk about Hannah and accept her as a permanent part of my life. She’s not something I’m going to ‘get over’ or ‘move on’ from. Hannah is my first child and will always be part of our family.
I’m not sure what this blog will end up being. I want to post about grief because not a lot of people talk about it, but everyone experiences it in some way. I also want this blog to be uplifting and show people that even though grief is always there and has become a part of me, my life is not consumed or dominated by that. I am not a defeated person. I am learning to process and live with what has happened. And, my God is bigger than my grief. My life is marked by extreme sadness, but I also have so much hope. So, my plan is to write about how I’m feeling, what I’m doing, what I’m eating, and where my life is at on this journey. I’m sure some posts will be sad, but I’m hoping that a lot of them won’t be….just like my life now. I have a lot of good days with some sad moments here and there, and every once in a while, I have one of those days where it’s a victory just to get out of bed. I hope you’ll stick with me 🙂