Zach and I went yesterday to find out if Baby is a boy or girl. And….we’re having a BOY!!! (By the way, my guess was right this time, so I’m batting .500)
I. am. so. excited!!! I think I said, “I can’t believe it!” about 500 times yesterday. It just feels so different knowing this time. I can actually pick out clothes for him…that don’t have ducks and frogs and whatever other ‘gender neutral’ animals that clothes companies use!
I didn’t have a preference. I just wanted to see a healthy, living baby. And, I hate that my first thought whenever they go to look at him or try to hear his heartbeat is, “Please be alive!” But, that’s what pregnancy is like after you lose a baby. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. The first thing I looked for yesterday was his heartbeat, and I couldn’t relax until I could see it with my own eyes!
To be honest, I cried a little afterwards. Not because I’m sad at all to be having a boy. He is exactly what God intended for our family, and I know he will fill our home with so much life and energy (and noise)! I think I was sad at the loss of little dresses, hair bows, dance classes, and Disney Princesses. Those were all things I lost after Hannah died, and I won’t get that experience with this baby either. Does that make sense?
I talked to a dear friend today who lost her son in a very similar situation almost 10 years ago. She had a daughter shortly after her son died – their birthdays are close together just like Hannah and her brother’s will be. As we were talking today, it felt like she was taking the thoughts out of my own head. Not that a baby can ever be replaced, but she said that she thinks God gave her the opposite of what she lost so that she could still treasure the unique spot her son had in her heart. He gave her a completely different experience with her daughter than she would have had with her son. And, I think that’s what God is doing for us. Even though I’m sad that I’m not getting the chance to raise a daughter yet (I’m hoping I will one day!!!!), I know that God knows the struggles that situation would have brought into my life. And, I know that if He ever gives me a daughter, my heart will be ready. (By the way – she had a son a few years later! God is good!)
I went to bed last night thinking of all the responsibility of raising a son in our culture. I want to raise a Godly man who loves and respects women. I want to raise a good husband who works hard to support his family. I want him to be a man who is firm in his beliefs but not aggressive. And, in my head I kept saying (don’t judge!), “Please don’t let him be a jerk!” I want him to be like his Daddy!
I joke that the world is not ready for a miniature Zach (and in some ways that’s true…haha), but I hope my son is full of love and laughter – just like my husband is 🙂 So, I’m ready and excited for the world of hunting, sports, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Ghostbusters….all the things his Daddy loved as a kid!!
Here are a few more pictures of my sweet boy!
*If you are looking for a 3D/4D ultrasound location in Hampton Roads, I would HIGHLY recommend Prenatal Miracles in Virginia Beach. I had an awesome experience and got some really cute pictures 🙂