I survived my first Thanksgiving without her.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I had dreams of her sitting at the table with us eating sweet potatoes and green beans. I loved that she would be old enough to “participate” in Thanksgiving dinner. I was dreading having to sit down at the table without her.
I think the anxiety leading up to Thanksgiving was worse than the actual day was – and the day was really tough. Even that morning, I sat in the shower crying trying to decide if I was actually going to leave the house and face our traditions without her. I can’t even tell you how big of a part of me wanted to stay in bed under the covers. I was torn between celebrating Thanksgiving for Noah and in Hannah’s memory and just ignoring the day completely. How unfair and ironic is it to have to celebrate a day of being thankful for everything you have when it feels like one of the the most important parts of you has been taken away?
I have been blessed with a lot in my life, but I found it really hard to have a thankful heart that day. And I think that’s ok. I have a grieving heart, and it is still raw and wounded.
So, in the shower that morning, I prayed for grace….and a lot of it. I prayed for God to just soothe my soul and get me through the day. And He was faithful. I survived the day, and He gave me joy enough to laugh and smile. He is good, and I am living proof that His grace is sufficient in all situations.