Time to Get Real

I haven’t blogged in a while.  I’ve been trying to avoid dealing with how I feel and where I’m at right now.  Usually staying busy helps me keep my mind off of things, and we’ve been really busy lately, but it’s starting to catch up to me.  I feel really worn down and exhausted.

I’m having a hard time dealing with the stress and anxiety of being pregnant again.  Christmas is already difficult, and it’s still 3 weeks away.  I just don’t really know how to get past where I’m at right now.

Sometimes grief feels distant.  It’s always there, but it’s almost in the background of your life.  Then there are other times where grief is crippling, and no matter what you do, those feelings come up and overwhelm you.  That’s where I’m at now.

I feel like I’ve gone backwards, and right now, I’m back to where I was in March and April. Like the last several months of healing never happened.  I’m so broken without her.  I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

I don’t know if it is the holiday season.  Or the fact that I’m reaching nine months without her…which is the same amount of time she was growing inside me.  How can she have been gone that long?  I don’t know if it’s because I really haven’t dealt with losing her – maybe I only think I’m working through things.  I don’t know.  I just know that it’s hard, and I feel like I’m drowning.



Filed under Grief

3 responses to “Time to Get Real

  1. Cindy

    Praying for you sweet Amanda.

  2. Sue Dunlow

    Amanda you have been so real throughout this entire time without Hannah in your arms. You have allowed me a glimpse into your grief. Even though I will never grasp the intensity of your own personal grief ~ I love to see you laugh and hate to see you cry! Be gentle on yourself.

  3. Ginger Ritter

    Everything you are feeling is exactly how I have felt…described exactly the way I have felt and feel! So…I think this means we’re both normal. I know the 9 month mark is very difficult bc, like u said, she’s been gone as long as she was alive and well inside you and for some reason that is just a very hard month. I also think combined w/ the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year) and being pregnant w/ added hormones just makes it that much harder. You’re always in my prayers Amanda. This road is hard…*hugs*

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