Hannah’s room is slowly changing. For almost the last year, it’s looked exactly the same. It was such a source of comfort for us after she died. I can’t tell you how many times I would go into her room and sit in the rocker and just cry. Even though we never got to bring her home, there was something special about being in her room with her things.
When we found out we were pregnant again, I knew at some point I was going to have to lose Hannah’s nursery to gain Noah’s. As much as it rips my heart into a million shreds, it’s time. Our plan all along was to reuse as much as we could – crib, dresser, rocker, car seat, stroller, even some of the clothes, so it feels natural to pass Hannah’s things down to Noah. I just always assumed that as we were putting together another nursery, we would also be turning her room into a ‘big girl’ room.
It’s been a slow process, and I’m nowhere near done. It’s taken me a few days just to take down the wall decals, the changing pad cover, and the sheets off her crib. I still have so much to go through, but it is so emotionally exhausting. In a way, I feel like I’m losing her all over again.
I’m hoping to be able to donate her entire bedding set to our local crisis pregnancy center. My prayer is that it will be used and loved by a woman who chose life for her child. I would love for this small piece of Hannah to live on in another baby’s life.
I’m writing this post from a place I was kind of hoping not to see for another 2 months…a hospital bed. I mentioned in a previous post about having placenta previa and the risk of bleeding, but I was really hoping to make it through my pregnancy without experiencing this problem. I didn’t quite make it!
I’ve been mentally preparing myself for this to happen. The majority of women with placenta previa experience some bleeding, but nothing really prepares you for actually seeing blood. It’s scary! And I’m really hoping this is the only time it happens!
I’m very blessed that the bleeding was not severe at all, and Noah is doing absolutely perfect! I think at this point, especially with my history, the doctors want to be very conservative with their treatment. Right now they just want to make sure this very small bleed isn’t the start of something more significant. The way my doctor explained it was bleeding can cause irritation and cramping which can cause more bleeding and if things get bad enough, there’s a chance they would have to deliver Noah early. Even though I am so ready to meet him, I’m not ready yet….and neither is he! They are currently giving me steroid shots to help his lungs mature just in case he has to come early. I’m hoping they’ll let me go tonight after my last steroid injection, but it will probably be more like first thing Monday morning. By the way, those shots hurt….they are no joke!!!
I was afraid being in the hospital again would be difficult. I just wasn’t sure how I would handle it, and I kept telling Zach on the way here, “I’m just not ready! This is getting too real!”. Honestly though, this time is so different. I’m currently hooked up to a monitor so I can hear his heartbeat and all of his movements. It’s such a reassuring sound to hear that constant ‘thump thump thump’! I’ve even heard him get the hiccups twice over the monitor which is very neat! He’s a very squirmy baby and loves playing hide and seek with the heartbeat monitor! We are constantly having to chase him around my belly to get the best reading. I have a feeling Noah is going to be an active little guy 😉
Please pray that there are no more bleeding episodes and that we will both continue to stay healthy! I know there is a reason this happened, and maybe God knows that Noah will need these steroid injections. I really hope not. I just have to trust that this is all part of His plan…nothing takes God by surprise!
We are at the point now where it’s time to really start preparing to bring Noah home. Honestly, it’s harder than I thought it would be. In general, my feelings are so much more complex since Hannah died, and I usually feel 15 different things at the same time. This is no different. I am so excited, but there is a big part of me that doesn’t really believe that I’m actually going to bring him home. I am having a hard time convincing myself that this time will be different. So even though I’m excited and feeling those typical nesting urges to get his room finished and have things exactly the way I want them, I have this nagging voice in my head telling me how it will absolutely destroy my heart to have another perfect nursery in my home but no baby to fill it.
This time I also feel myself stressing over every.single.decision. Should I get the breathing monitor that clips to his diaper to go with the baby monitor I already have that detects movement? Is the car seat I bought for Hannah and spent hours researching safe enough for Noah? Should I start cloth diapering right away or wait to heal a bit after my c-section and adjust before starting? How about only using all organic and natural products with him? Glass or plastic bottles? What kind of baby carrier? I’m being completely honest. I am absolutely crazy and completely obsessive. Pray for my husband!
Every decision, big and small, seems like a life or death decision in my head. I know that there are important decisions we have to make that really will affect his health and well-being, and I’m not talking about those choices. I’m talking about everything else…all the small decisions. In the end, it won’t really matter if I use cloth diapers right away or end up hating the baby carrier I bought. Right now, it just feels like these are the most important decisions I’ll ever make. Even though it’s impossible, I want everything to be perfect for him. I don’t want to mess up.
I feel an overwhelming responsibility to keep Noah alive, and I think it’s because I still struggle with a lot of guilt about Hannah’s death. I know there isn’t anything I could have done, but it’s still there. I know God is the ultimate authority on life. I know this. But that fact isn’t a band-aid that makes this situation all better or any easier. It’s just something I have to keep praying about and working through. And some days are better than others.
I am finally in my third trimester! In a little over 2 months, I will finally get to kiss Noah’s sweet face!! I am beyond excited and also incredibly nervous at the same time. I find myself getting more and more anxious now that I am nearing the end of my pregnancy.
Noah is doing perfect! He is already 3 pounds (70th percentile for his age) and looks so much like his sister from the ultrasound pictures. He stays fairly active, but definitely has his quiet moments. I talk to God A LOT in those moments. He likes to keep his head lodged permanently under my rib cage 🙂
Even though Noah is completely and perfectly healthy, I could use your prayers. I have been diagnosed with placenta previa and a subchorionic hematoma. This means that my placenta is covering my cervix, and I have a blood clot in between my placenta and the wall of my uterus. I was diagnosed with both of these issues after my 20 week ultrasound.
The doctors are not really concerned about the blood clot because although it’s not getting any smaller, it’s also not getting any bigger. The main concern is the placenta previa. The doctors don’t expect my placenta to move (it usually resolves itself by now in most women who are diagnosed earlier in their pregnancy) and have told me that I will probably have to deliver Noah by c-section.
I’m not really nervous about having to have surgery, I’m more concerned with all the complications that can come from having placenta previa….bleeding, premature labor, hemorrhaging, and other scary things. My doctors have said the fact that I haven’t had any spotting or bleeding in my second or third trimester is a good sign. I know a lot of women with this complication end up on bed rest, so I am glad to still be on my feet 🙂
I am praying that both of these complications just go away. I know that there are a lot of women who deal with very serious complications during pregnancy, and I am thankful that both Noah and I are healthy! Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Hopefully in a few weeks, I’ll be back on writing that the previa is gone and the blood clot disappeared!!
Here are a few baby bump pictures. Noah is definitely getting bigger!!