We are at the point now where it’s time to really start preparing to bring Noah home. Honestly, it’s harder than I thought it would be. In general, my feelings are so much more complex since Hannah died, and I usually feel 15 different things at the same time. This is no different. I am so excited, but there is a big part of me that doesn’t really believe that I’m actually going to bring him home. I am having a hard time convincing myself that this time will be different. So even though I’m excited and feeling those typical nesting urges to get his room finished and have things exactly the way I want them, I have this nagging voice in my head telling me how it will absolutely destroy my heart to have another perfect nursery in my home but no baby to fill it.
This time I also feel myself stressing over every.single.decision. Should I get the breathing monitor that clips to his diaper to go with the baby monitor I already have that detects movement? Is the car seat I bought for Hannah and spent hours researching safe enough for Noah? Should I start cloth diapering right away or wait to heal a bit after my c-section and adjust before starting? How about only using all organic and natural products with him? Glass or plastic bottles? What kind of baby carrier? I’m being completely honest. I am absolutely crazy and completely obsessive. Pray for my husband!
Every decision, big and small, seems like a life or death decision in my head. I know that there are important decisions we have to make that really will affect his health and well-being, and I’m not talking about those choices. I’m talking about everything else…all the small decisions. In the end, it won’t really matter if I use cloth diapers right away or end up hating the baby carrier I bought. Right now, it just feels like these are the most important decisions I’ll ever make. Even though it’s impossible, I want everything to be perfect for him. I don’t want to mess up.
I feel an overwhelming responsibility to keep Noah alive, and I think it’s because I still struggle with a lot of guilt about Hannah’s death. I know there isn’t anything I could have done, but it’s still there. I know God is the ultimate authority on life. I know this. But that fact isn’t a band-aid that makes this situation all better or any easier. It’s just something I have to keep praying about and working through. And some days are better than others.