Pregnancy After Loss – Getting Past the Milestones

I will never have a pregnancy last as long as Hannah’s.  I carried her for 41 weeks, and I know I won’t be carrying Noah – or any other baby – that far.  So, unlike moms who have lost a baby earlier in their pregnancy, I don’t have a ‘week milestone’ to get past.  But since I’m pregnant and due at the same time of year as I was with Hannah, I still feel like I have an important milestone to reach.

I found out that Hannah died on March 16th, her birthday is on March 17th, and her funeral was on March 21st.  I feel like these are three big dates on the calendar that I have to get past in this pregnancy.  Another important date is the day before my scheduled c-section.  I have this fear of being just hours away from holding him and something happening.

The closer I get, the more anxious I feel.  I think the stress of being pregnant with Noah and actively grieving Hannah at the same time is starting to get to me.  Even though I feel like it will be some sort of victory to get past these dates and still be pregnant with a baby who is alive, I don’t know if I’ll feel any kind of relief.  At this point, I don’t think I’ll feel that until I’m taking a baby home with me.

I’ve been pregnant for a really long time…and I’m not complaining because I know how much of a blessing it is to just be pregnant.  Since June of 2011, I have been pregnant 19 of those 22 months.  That’s a long time to be pregnant and still not have a baby at home.

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under Pregnancy After Loss

3 responses to “Pregnancy After Loss – Getting Past the Milestones

  1. Sue

    Amanda, I just cannot even imagine all the emotions you experience. All I can think about is how I can try in some way to help you & Zach through all these markers in your lives now. I want to remember & honor Hannah in March, welcome & celebrate Noah in April and be extremely sensitive to everything you both are feeling. I just love ya’ll so very much!!

  2. I read this and was like, wow, all these thoughts/feelings are EXACTLY like mine. The “safe zone” or “markers” trying to get passed… the almost 2 years of pregnancy…the just wanting to have a baby at home after 18 months of pregnancy. We certainly will not take anything for granted!! I will be praying for you as these days approach. I am 3 months behind you on all of these dreaded times………..and exciting times of having another baby! When are you having your C-section?? Are you doing anything to “celebrate” or remember Hannah on her birthday?

  3. Pingback: Noah’s Birth Story | A Small Piece of Heaven

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s