I will never have a pregnancy last as long as Hannah’s. I carried her for 41 weeks, and I know I won’t be carrying Noah – or any other baby – that far. So, unlike moms who have lost a baby earlier in their pregnancy, I don’t have a ‘week milestone’ to get past. But since I’m pregnant and due at the same time of year as I was with Hannah, I still feel like I have an important milestone to reach.
I found out that Hannah died on March 16th, her birthday is on March 17th, and her funeral was on March 21st. I feel like these are three big dates on the calendar that I have to get past in this pregnancy. Another important date is the day before my scheduled c-section. I have this fear of being just hours away from holding him and something happening.
The closer I get, the more anxious I feel. I think the stress of being pregnant with Noah and actively grieving Hannah at the same time is starting to get to me. Even though I feel like it will be some sort of victory to get past these dates and still be pregnant with a baby who is alive, I don’t know if I’ll feel any kind of relief. At this point, I don’t think I’ll feel that until I’m taking a baby home with me.
I’ve been pregnant for a really long time…and I’m not complaining because I know how much of a blessing it is to just be pregnant. Since June of 2011, I have been pregnant 19 of those 22 months. That’s a long time to be pregnant and still not have a baby at home.