Monthly Archives: February 2014

Just Let It Go

I haven’t posted in months, but I’ve written a lot.  I write mostly for me because it helps me process and work through things, but I post mostly for you.  This blog is all about sharing my experience with others and hoping that someone connects to it in a small way.

I’ve ‘met’ several women through this blog who are also working their way through loss.  This post is especially for you.

I’m tired.  I have spent a lot of time analyzing how I feel.  Wondering if this emotion or that action is healthy.  Like there is a correct way to do this.  And, I’m so tired of analyzing this.  I NEED to just let it go.

So what if I want to walk around in the girls’ clothing section and pick out outfits for Hannah?

So what if I go weeks without visiting her grave?

So what if I cry almost all day and then don’t shed a tear for a week?

So what?

Why am I looking for meaning in those actions?  It’s almost like I want to make sure I’m grieving her enough but in a way that shows healing.  I want these last two years to have gotten me somewhere.  And, I want them to reflect Christ.  Does that make sense?

I am the first person to tell someone to be patient with themselves, but I have a hard time putting it into practice.  I know that I have begun to heal over the last 2 years.  And, I’m doing more than just surviving – I’m living.

I’m laughing.  I’m crying.  I’m still shopping for Hannah.  I visit her.  I avoid her grave.  I struggle with anxiety.  I’m raising a little boy who takes every bit of energy I have.  I’m always missing his big sister.  I get angry with God.  I’m thankful for His abundant grace.  I cry on my way to work, then wipe away the tears and spend the next three hours loving and teaching the babies in my class.  It’s all okay.

Grief is a heavy thing to carry around, and I’m thankful I don’t have to do it alone.  I’m grateful for a God who understands and knows my heart.

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