I haven’t posted in months, but I’ve written a lot. I write mostly for me because it helps me process and work through things, but I post mostly for you. This blog is all about sharing my experience with others and hoping that someone connects to it in a small way.
I’ve ‘met’ several women through this blog who are also working their way through loss. This post is especially for you.
I’m tired. I have spent a lot of time analyzing how I feel. Wondering if this emotion or that action is healthy. Like there is a correct way to do this. And, I’m so tired of analyzing this. I NEED to just let it go.
So what if I want to walk around in the girls’ clothing section and pick out outfits for Hannah?
So what if I go weeks without visiting her grave?
So what if I cry almost all day and then don’t shed a tear for a week?
Why am I looking for meaning in those actions? It’s almost like I want to make sure I’m grieving her enough but in a way that shows healing. I want these last two years to have gotten me somewhere. And, I want them to reflect Christ. Does that make sense?
I am the first person to tell someone to be patient with themselves, but I have a hard time putting it into practice. I know that I have begun to heal over the last 2 years. And, I’m doing more than just surviving – I’m living.
I’m laughing. I’m crying. I’m still shopping for Hannah. I visit her. I avoid her grave. I struggle with anxiety. I’m raising a little boy who takes every bit of energy I have. I’m always missing his big sister. I get angry with God. I’m thankful for His abundant grace. I cry on my way to work, then wipe away the tears and spend the next three hours loving and teaching the babies in my class. It’s all okay.
Grief is a heavy thing to carry around, and I’m thankful I don’t have to do it alone. I’m grateful for a God who understands and knows my heart.