Just Let It Go

I haven’t posted in months, but I’ve written a lot.  I write mostly for me because it helps me process and work through things, but I post mostly for you.  This blog is all about sharing my experience with others and hoping that someone connects to it in a small way.

I’ve ‘met’ several women through this blog who are also working their way through loss.  This post is especially for you.

I’m tired.  I have spent a lot of time analyzing how I feel.  Wondering if this emotion or that action is healthy.  Like there is a correct way to do this.  And, I’m so tired of analyzing this.  I NEED to just let it go.

So what if I want to walk around in the girls’ clothing section and pick out outfits for Hannah?

So what if I go weeks without visiting her grave?

So what if I cry almost all day and then don’t shed a tear for a week?

So what?

Why am I looking for meaning in those actions?  It’s almost like I want to make sure I’m grieving her enough but in a way that shows healing.  I want these last two years to have gotten me somewhere.  And, I want them to reflect Christ.  Does that make sense?

I am the first person to tell someone to be patient with themselves, but I have a hard time putting it into practice.  I know that I have begun to heal over the last 2 years.  And, I’m doing more than just surviving – I’m living.

I’m laughing.  I’m crying.  I’m still shopping for Hannah.  I visit her.  I avoid her grave.  I struggle with anxiety.  I’m raising a little boy who takes every bit of energy I have.  I’m always missing his big sister.  I get angry with God.  I’m thankful for His abundant grace.  I cry on my way to work, then wipe away the tears and spend the next three hours loving and teaching the babies in my class.  It’s all okay.

Grief is a heavy thing to carry around, and I’m thankful I don’t have to do it alone.  I’m grateful for a God who understands and knows my heart.

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4 Comments

Filed under Grief

4 responses to “Just Let It Go

  1. Sue

    I love you Amanda!

  2. Staci Phelps

    Amanda you are so introspective and I’m sure your self-reflection rings true with so many mothers who have grieved. It seems that the only thing that makes any sense is that something like this makes no sense…you suffer and grow and grieve and celebrate and life does go on but never without the little tug always at your heart. I’m sure that tug is supposed to be there…Hannah lives in your heart and that creates a weight! Thank you for sharing these pieces of yourself. You are just so amazing.

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