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Stormy Skies

Stormy Sky

This has been on my heart forever, so it’s time to share.

The illustration isn’t new. My pastor speaks all the time about the storms we go through in life. Following Christ doesn’t earn us smooth sailing and sunny skies. We’re always in one of three stages…about to enter a storm, going through a storm, or coming out of a storm. When you’re in the middle of one, it’s hard to believe it will ever be over. Especially if that storm is losing a child.

Last night, we had a crazy thunderstorm. It came out of nowhere. Strong winds, pounding rain, huge rolls of thunder, bright flashes of lightening that streaked across the sky. It would have been terrifying to be caught out in it, but from inside our house, there was a kind of beauty about the whole thing.

That’s how my life since Hannah has been. Terrifying at times. The pain almost suffocating. The moments sneak up even now, three and a half years later. But every once in a while, more now than at the beginning, I can see the beauty in this suffering.

The way I have no choice but to lean on the Lord to give me peace and perspective. It’s beautiful.

The way Zach and I chose to ultimately let this bring us closer together. It’s beautiful.

The way God has used Hannah to help me connect with other women of loss. It’s beautiful.

The testimony I have. It’s beautiful.

Sometimes this storm rages around me. And other times, it’s a grey cloud on the horizon of the sunny sky. Other days, it’s somewhere in between.

Even on the darkest days, the bright blue sky is always there behind the clouds. God is always always always there. When you don’t feel Him, He’s holding you and riding the storm out with you. When you don’t turn to Him, He’s there waiting to be your Shelter.

“Through the storm, He is Lord. Lord of all.”

Better days are ahead.

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Changes…

Things are changing. 

I’ve started a new blog.  

Please click over to This Girl’s Story and follow me there!

Thanks!!!

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Will You Be Watching?

This Saturday on Lifetime a new movie is premiering.  Now, I love Lifetime movies despite the predictable story lines and bad acting.  I can’t help it.

But I’m hoping this movie is different.  I’m hoping its relatable and authentic.  The movie is Return To Zero, and it’s about a couple whose son is stillborn at 35 weeks.  I’m hoping they get it right.  This is personal and I don’t want them to mess it up.  It is still a movie, so I’m sure there will be added drama, but losing a child and trying to survive life after is dramatic enough.

The couple in the story end up separating for a while after their son dies.  I’ve seen some reports online that the divorce rates for couples who lose a child is higher than those who do not.  I don’t know if that’s true, but I can see how it’s possible.  Moms and Dads process grief so differently.  Even though your spouse is experiencing the same loss, grief can be so isolating.  And heartbreaking.  It puts a serious strain on even the strongest marriage.

I’m not expecting it to be like looking into a mirror of my own experience because this movie is not my story, but I feel like there are common elements that can be found in all of our stories.  I have related on a deep level with several women who I have never met in real life through our shared loss.  I want this movie to honor our journeys.

I want it to show the gut-wrenching pain, anger, and denial.  But more than anything I want this movie to show hope, healing, and restoration.  I don’t know if it will reflect a Christian worldview, but if it doesn’t, please let me share this with you: Christ alone heals.  Yes, time may make the sharpness of the pain dull. Yes, a new child may bring laughter and a welcome distraction.  But, Christ alone brings true healing.  It’s that simple.  There is no other explanation.

I read this on a blog today and wanted to share because I love the wording.  It’s a beautiful image.  “God has her.  God has us.  He’s just holding us on different ends of eternity.”  I claim that promise because I know Jesus.  If you aren’t sure that you can claim that promise, please talk to me.  I’d love to tell you about my Jesus.

 

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Reflecting On 2012

All day on Facebook, I’ve seen posts of people re-capping their year and talking about vacations they’ve taken and all the great things that have happened in their lives.

2012 has been the worst year of my life, but I had Hannah, and becoming a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Having a family of my own is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted, but it definitely doesn’t look the way I thought it would.  Part of me is sad to leave this year behind because I’ll have to say that Hannah died last year.  How can it already be a year?

I’m excited for 2013 and to meet my sweet boy.  I’m praying that my experience as Noah’s mom will be much different than my experience of being Hannah’s mom, but I’m terrified that this year and next year will be a lot alike.  I hope that I continue to grow in my walk with God.  He has sustained me in ways that I never thought possible.

So in the last few hours of 2012, I am sad to move onto a new year without Hannah but hopeful for 2013.

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Slacking on the Blog Front

I’ve been slacking in writing new posts.  But, it has been a crazy few days around here!

I usually draft my new blog posts in the evening while dinner is cooking and Zach is at work/the gym.  On Thursday, I decided to make Shrimp Alfredo and Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits.  Yum!  I had my shrimp thawed and had already made my biscuit dough and was getting ready to put the biscuits on a baking sheet.  I reached into the drawer under my stove, and I found mouse droppings.  Not just one or two.  Several.  I immediately freaked.  I don’t do rodents.  So, after having a good cry, I started looking for more evidence.  And, there was plenty more – under the kitchen sink, behind the refrigerator, in the laundry room, and den.  Gross.

After reading online that mouse droppings and all the nasty things in it can be dangerous to mom and baby, I immediately called my dad and asked him if Penny and I could come stay the night.  Then, I called Zach over and over and over and over again.  When he finally called me back, I had already started packing my bags.  He turned into super dad and super husband mode and stayed up until after midnight disinfecting all the mousey surfaces and setting up bait/traps.  I helped for a while then I headed off to mom and dad’s to escape the bleach/chemical smell and all the nasty mouse diseases I was sure I was going to pick up.  I’m pregnant so I’m allowed to overreact 🙂

On Friday morning, we did catch one little mouse.  So far, no more evidence has been seen.  But I know as soon as I put everything back where it was and start decorating for Christmas, they will come out to play again.

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